Sunday, July 24, 2011

Somewhere In Between

So while I love having all my friends and family follow my blog, at times I wish it was only random people. I am a very private person so knowing whatever I write will be known to all my friends scares me. It's times like tonight where I wish I could write something and not worry about what people think about it.

Sometimes I feel like I can't share my doubts because I don't want it to scare my mom. I can't share some of my fun times because I don't want my dad to worry about his baby girl. I can't share some of my thoughts because I don't want my roommate to know the lonely times I feel. I can't share my fears because I don't want my friends back home to know about them either.

I feel I have to keep up this tough front when sometimes all I want to do is let it all out. I'm the type of person who doesn't enjoy discussing feelings, especially with people who are going to ask me questions about it later. Also, sometimes once I express my frustration/fears/thoughts I am over them and they no longer bother me. When you share these things with other people though, they don't understand how after I express my feelings, I'm instantly over it and have no desire to discuss it. I feel that I stated it, it's over and let's move on. There is no reason to continue to talk about it because it's not going to change anything.

Nothing traumatic or even big actually happened today to make me decide to write about this, so don't worry. It was just a lazy normal day I would probably have if I had been in Waco. Today it just felt different.

When I was at school, if I wanted to go out with friends or go to happy hour with some people, all I had to do was pick up the phone and call. If I wanted to stay in all day and be lazy, I knew I could do that as well. The reason it's different here is because I don't really have two options like I did in school.

Today I wanted to go grab drinks with my friends, but I couldn't for two reasons. One because I went to a bar last night that was way overpriced and didn't realize it until after I had ordered my drinks, so I needed to save today and two because I don't have any friends to call.

Everyone keeps telling me I will make friends. While I know this is true, it doesn't really help me right now. It doesn't keep me from feeling alone at this moment. It doesn't comfort me to think in three months I'll have friends.

I want to be able to call Kathryn and Melodie and go to Ninfa's for $3 margaritas. I want to be able to go next door to Cami's and be able to have our heart to hearts that I can only have with her. I want to show up at 9th street and hang out with the guys and play Mario Kart. I want to be with my Big right now celebrating her birthday in Dallas. I want to be able to go pick up my niece and nephew and swim with them in the pool and have a sleepover afterwards.

I'm not naive in thinking that even if I hadn't moved to New York I would still be able to do all these things. I know graduating from college changes everything. When I was still in Texas though, I still had the option if I planned it. Here none of those things are an option.

Don't get me wrong, I do NOT regret moving here for one second. I know amazing things are going to happen in my life and I will make new friends soon and these feelings will no longer be as big of a deal to me. It's just hard when I see my friends Facebook status' about hanging out and talking to other friends from home and telling me who all they hung out with this past weekend.

I know it will get better. I know New York is filled with tons of amazing people and I just need to give it time. I know I will make tons of friends and these feelings will be a distant memory. I know I'm going to have some amazing experiences while I am here and learn more about myself than I would have if I had stayed in Texas. I know this is temporary. I know just like last summer in Nashville I had some of the same feelings and got through them, I will get through this a better person as well.

After writing this I already feel better. I already know God has amazing plans for my life. I can't wait to see how it will unfold and the crazy new experiences I will have. I am already excited about my job and curious to see if I meet any awesome people there. I just need to be patient and give it time. Everything that is supposed to happen will. I just have to have faith.

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