Internal Struggle

Since my last day working at the MET I haven't had a job. I have worked a temp job for a day here and there, but I haven't had anything permanent. Part of me has loved having free time to be lazy, run errands, read in Central Park and pretty much whatever else I feel like. The other part of me though can't stop thinking about how I am going to pay my rent, how much money is in my bank account, when will I receive my next paycheck and how am I ever going to afford to be fashionable in New York.

I have been dealing with an internal struggle I can't decide whether or not to face. On one hand I keep telling myself not to stress out and whatever is supposed to happen will. I trust God will provide for me and I will get the job He wants me to have. However, the other part of me wants to ignore the fact that I don't have a real job. It's like if I don't think about it, maybe it's not true or one will just appear when I least expect it.

 I know I can't afford certain meals or happy hours, but the alternative is sitting at home alone in my apartment. It's hard not having many friends in this huge city and choosing not to go out doesn't help the situation. It's almost like I have to spend money to have friends, as bad as that sounds. (Not that I'm buying my friends, but going out to do things with them costs money.)

The other part of my internal debate is that not stressing out about the job search, has made me less motivated to search for one. I am the type of person who performs better under stress. So by trying to not be overly stressed, I'm going to the other extreme in which I'm not stressed enough to do anything. 

I have a friend who lives here and is the same situation I am. He is so stressed that he can't sleep at night. While I am thankful I am not reacting like that, I wish I had some of his fear. I almost feel numb right now and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck in this limbo and I can't figure out how to shake myself out of it. 

I mean I can only apply to so many jobs and never hear from them before I start to begin believing it is ME and NOT THEM. Sometimes I see the same thought on my friends faces when I have to tell them I didn't get another job and that makes it worse. I know the job market is horrible, especially in New York. I know it's the end of the summer so most people are just now starting to hire. I know no one looks at those online applications and it's really all about who you know. I know it's not personal, but it's beginning to feel that way.

The main problem is I'm starting to lose faith in myself. I'm starting to believe I'm not qualified enough or that when people do meet me, they aren't impressed and don't see anything in me. I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to make it like I once believed I would. The confidence and determination that used to pour out of me no longer seems to be present. I might be able to talk to my friends like it is still there, but I don't feel it in my heart anymore.

Friends and family are always calling/texting me asking how the job search is going, When I meet people, the first thing they ask is what I do. I almost cringe every time I have to tell them I am a temp. I can see the immediate change in their face once I tell them. If I didn't know them or thought I would never see them again, I would make up some awesome job and sound really cool. Unfortunately I would feel like even more of a loser having to lie, especially in front of my friends who know the truth. (Plus I have way too much of a conscience to lie and would feel horrible afterwards.) 

Often times when people ask, I want to ignore the question. I want to pretend like it doesn't matter. I want to believe one day I will have an awesome job and people will be jealous, but right now that is not even close to the truth. 

I know I'm not the only/first person in the world to feel like this. I know there are thousands of people across the country without jobs. I know I have friends' back home living with their parents while they look for work. I know one day I will have a job. I know one day I will make enough money to be able to buy plane tickets for vacations and boots/clothes for the fall without having to overly stress out about it beforehand. I know this entire experience will only make me stronger. I know things could be worse and that I am nowhere near rock bottom. I know everything happens for a reason. I know God will provide and I will be alright. Knowing all this doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

I just want to fast forward to that part, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. So until then, I will continue to apply for jobs. I will go to interviews and keep my head held high if they don't offer me a job. I will temp whenever they call me and tell me they have an opening. I will smile and tell people I am a temp when they ask what I do. I will continue to pray for God to reignite my faith and self confidence. I will wake up each day, be thankful I live in one of the most amazing cities at only 22 years of age and know that one day, when I tell my children what I went through, it will feel like a lifetime ago and I will just look back and smile.

(p.s. I didn't write this for any of you to feel sorry for me. Actually that's the last thing I want. I did this blog because it is therapeutic for me to write down my feelings and thoughts (if you know me, you know I don't openly/willingly talk about them very often). Now that I have written it, I am already starting to feel better.)